my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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