You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
