I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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