you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize