Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
