So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
