its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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