Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize