Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
