Ambien. No doubt about it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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