you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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