Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
