Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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