Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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