ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
