Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
