Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
