Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
