So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
