I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
