And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
