I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
