he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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