Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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