We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
