Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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