My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
should my penis look like a turkey
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
