My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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