What a fucking waste of an outfit
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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