Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
