do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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