it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
