Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
