Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
