I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All the doctor said was why
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
