my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
