I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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