Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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