I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
