He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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