She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
