i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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