i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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