Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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