i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
