I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
