I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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