he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
