Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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