Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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