so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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