This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
