I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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