who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
