Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
