I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
