she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
