I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
