he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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