I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
