saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
