Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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