I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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