This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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