yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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